You Are Definitely Doing It Wrong

I don't have children but I do have opinions.

Today’s “You Are Definitely Doing It Wrong” wake-up call to parents is written by guest expert Maggie May.

Sunday brunch is something to be treasured. Long held near and dear to my sanity and heart, the coffee flows freely, there better be hollandaise, and You are ruining it. Actually let me be fair, your snot-nosed, won’t stop banging on the table, screaming mini-you is ruining it and now you need to fix it.

Have you heard of a tissue?

Have you heard of a tissue?

How is it possible that every time I pass one of these small humans there is something leaking out of their faces? They are called tissues and if its been on one of their “cutesy, wootsey, wittle fwaces” for long enough to crust you aren’t paying close enough attention.

Don’t get me wrong, babies drool and sneeze and cry but if your kid is old enough to walk its old enough to make the foreign liquids disappear from their faces. And speaking of old enough – the gentle music of toddler hands banging on tables is really hard to speak over.

Cue total curmudgeon – When I was a kid we had to sit quietly at the table, no crayons, no toys and most certainly no banging. If I had something to add to the conversation I had to wait for recognition from an adult and if I didn’t I would have been shovelled out into the car. I sat in the car plenty as a child, for interrupting, for throwing a fit, for throwing food, for throwing anything as a matter of fact, it was the car for me until I could behave – and for the sake of other diners my parents ate cold meals or alone. They did that for you and for me, I certainly had no business in a restaurant if I couldn’t keep my shite together, and you went out to enjoy a nice meal, so I learned to do so.

Is this your child? Take it back home. Now.

Is this your child? Take it back home. Now.

You are more than welcome to spend your Sunday morning with “the light of your life” – the pestiferous little things are welcome to be leaking bodily fluids, tossing either their food or their toys or both around, or using every ounce of their life-force to get your attention – AT HOME. In the mean time please allow me to enjoy the luscious nectar of life that is my cup of coffee in peace.

2 Comments

  1. I find it a weird but often occurance that I want to punch babies in the face for these very reasons…

  2. Martian
    13:44 on April 23rd, 2013

    I was told to be respectful, and apparently I listened because I was never taken out to the car or any of that bullshit. No one is going to become a shut-in just because they have a toddler who isn’t old enough to comprehend that being “out” has different rules than being at home, and anyone who where to take their child out to the car and leave them would get the cops called on them in a heartbeat. If you don’t like society, why not just keep out of it? Drink your coffee in peace in your own home. Oh, wait. That wouldn’t give you anything to bitch about. Sorry. Carry on…